101 degrees in the Hollywood shade on Saturday necessitated a cold beverage break at a café on Franklin Avenue, across from the fabled Scientology Celebrity Centre. With parking at a premium on Franklin, I conveniently found a spot around the corner on Bronson - right next to the in drive-in entrance to Celebrity Brainwash Central.
Celebrity Brainwash Central
First, I asked the crime cult videographer if he got everything he needed. He did not respond. Then, I pulled out the big gun, and, directly into his camera, began reciting the basic story of OT-III:
"The head of the Galactic Federation (76 planets around larger stars visible from here) (founded 95,000,000 years ago, very space opera) solved overpopulation (250 billion or so per planet, 178 billion on average) by mass implanting. He caused people to be brought to Teegeeack (Earth) and put an H-Bomb on the principal volcanos (Incident II) and then the Pacific area ones were taken in boxes to Hawaii and the Atlantic area ones to Las Palmas and there "packaged". His name was Xenu. He used renegades. Various misleading data by means of circuits etc. was placed in the implants..."
Heterosexual Celebrity Centre regular and Lord Xenu
For kicks, I walked back up to Franklin Boulevard where I grabbed a couple of the LAPD's finest - officers Mota and Chen - and told them about the goon sticking his camera into my vehicle. I argued that this constituted harassment, and they brought in their supervisor (Sergeant Isabel Valdoviros) and rolled up ensemble onto the Celebrity Centre property where they confronted the Scientology security team.
Scientology's Shady Sleuth:
Eugene Ingram
As predicted, there was little that the cops could do if the coward wasn't going to come out with the evidentiary tape. Fortunately, there was a videographer on the scene shooting b-roll for his own project eager to capture my thoughts (video after the jump):
At best, said the Sergeant-in-charge, "we could get them on a misdemeanor," going on to suggest that I step up the harassment complaint with a formal report at police headquarters. She also correctly likened Scientology's manic photographing and videotaping to what paparazzi routinely do to celebs like Paris Hilton.
So, the cops and I parted ways, with me motoring off -- giggling like Paris Hilton for a day!
I was her!
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Comments
I'm putting "paint the fuck truck" on my list of art projects. I won't get to it for another year, so dream up something good.
Posted by: Bunny at June 5, 2006 06:47 PM
What the fuck?! Thanks to reading this I'm going to catch pneumonia and die because I'm not an OT-3? If this is how you treat your fans, I'm going to stop reading this site.-Andrew
Posted by: Shooster at June 6, 2006 05:20 AM
I just love you, Ebner!
Posted by: Amy Alkon at June 6, 2006 06:48 AM
A couple of weeks ago I walked around in constant dread that someone was going to reveal what happened in X Men III before I had seen it. This fraught experience offered me a glimpse into what it must be like to be a scientologist all the time, living under the continuous threat of being told OT-III, before one is ready to absorb such weighty knowledge.
The Scientologists should really have a song that they sing on such occasions, in order to drown out people like you – like the “La, la, la, I can’t hear you song� only with different words, more suited to a credible world religion. Maybe Beck could write the lyrics for it.
Posted by: backwards7 at June 6, 2006 09:05 AM
Scientology is proof that people will believe anything. I could take a shit and tell people my shit is god and it would be more feasable than scientology.
Posted by: John at June 7, 2006 12:22 PM
I drive by that freak center almost every day. A couple weeks ago, one of their security goons was doing a sweep of the sidewalk along Bronson with a metal detector. And today, there were a bunch of L.A. Unified school busses parked outside the entrance. WTF is that about???
Posted by: Tom at June 7, 2006 06:48 PM
I grew up in this neighborhood in the 1960's, as a teen. I left in 1971. I remember seeing some celebrities at Victor's Market back then, when it wasn't a gourmet market but a family market with normal food, and a butcher in the back. Same with Haigs Market and Mayfair Market. Rents were $125.00 a month. I lived on Bronson near Franklin and also Van Ness Avenue near Franklin. We'd hike up to Canyon Park and Bronson Caves.I remember when the Mayfair Market was built. Prior to that there were shops on Franklin and houses where the market is now. I remember the Scientology center but don't remember what it was back then. It looked like a scary place and I never went in there. I would run errands for old people in the tall brick building on Bronson, for 25 cents then buy a creme soda at Haig's Market.
Posted by: Vicky at February 1, 2007 08:09 AM
