Contrary to an earlier Hollywood, Interrupted report, the mysterious web presence known as "Project Xenu" did no aerial-advertising at last night's faux MI:3 premiere. Instead, the evil Lord Xenu made his first red carpet experience in 75 million years:

Hail Xenu!

Undaunted, the heterosexual Tom Cruise ducked into an abandoned Scientology building...

Abandoned Scientology Building

...from which he emerged with a new Scientologist friend:

The heterosexual Cruise's new Scientologist friend

While the heterosexual Tom Cruise's new friend railed against psychiatry for him, the movie star took to the carpet to mingle with his fan:

The heterosexual Tom Cruise's fan.

When the heterosexual Tom Cruise and a much taller, much younger chick approached his fan to sign an autograph, a gang of cell phone camera-wielding internet bloggers descended upon him:

The heterosexual Cruise, the taller/younger chick and security team greet curious bloggers

More cell phone camera bloggers surround the heterosexual Tom Cruise

Put off by the massive cell phone camera blogger presence, the ABC "Action News" Team focuses in...

...on this blogger's t-shirt:

This blogger's immensely popular and newsworthy t-shirt

After the heterosexual Tom Cruise, his friend, that tall chick and his fan ducked into the Mann Chinese Theater for the premiere, Xenu disappeared into the sidewalk.

The spot on the sidewalk where Xenu disappeared.

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The guy who was supposed to set up the thing with the planes claimed that he was told yesterday that everything was set to go for 5:50 PM, but they never showed - and he's posted a copy of the cashed check to prove that he paid them. By 8 PM, he had called the banner company to find out why and was told they would get back to him, but nobody's posted anything in terms of a response yet. Hmmm. Curiouser and curiouser.

Posted by: Emily at May 5, 2006 08:22 AM

Um... Who is lord xenu? and where has he been for the last 75 million years?

Also, why are you hassling Tom Cruise. Is it because he marries women to cover up his closet homosexuality? Or is it because he acts like he has lost his mind? Or because Scientology is cult-like and freakish? Or because he cant take a joke and freaks out at the media?

Seriously, why are you guys so harsh on poor Tommie Boy?


Posted by: tom is gay at May 5, 2006 12:23 PM

Brilliant. The best review I've seen for MI:3 and it's premiere! Mark, you are a genius!

Posted by: SemiCharmedLife at May 5, 2006 12:42 PM

You are my hero!

Posted by: RennieTurk at May 5, 2006 02:06 PM

Ah, Tom Cruise... epitome of evil.

Soon we shall destroy him and his ilk, and the glorious Dark Lord Xenu shall return to power!

Ha ha!

Posted by: High Priestess of Xenu at May 5, 2006 04:40 PM

I got it wrong. The initial call was at 6 PM, and it was all called off for the fog. Yes, I think everyone in Los Angeles will remember where they were when the Great Mysterious Fog That Engulfed This One Unnamed Airport But Nowhere Else In The Entire City Including Other Airports happened. It was a phenomenal moment. I saw it. It just didn't happen like that.

Posted by: Emily at May 5, 2006 06:58 PM

Tom is a nut. Xemu is a nut too.

Posted by: Dave at May 10, 2006 01:51 PM

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