Hi. We heard you were looking for some cult videos. Well, you’ve come to the right place! (Sort of) Hollywood,Interrupted scoured the public domain (otherwise known as the world wide web) to direct you to the best unintentional celebrity parody ever produced. Unfortunately, all clips from the Scientology-produced promotional video sound-tracked by the presumably unlicensed Lalo Shifrin Mission: Impossible theme music have been summarily whack-a-moled off either YouTube or GoogleVideo. Imagine, if you will, the heterosexual movie star spewing straight-up insanity through a mouthful of glistening Chiclets…
Part 1: Intro – Cruise’s doppleganger, David “The Dwarf” Miscavige does his best Dale-Carnegie Dance.
EMBEDDED VIDEO #1: YANKED OFF A SERVER BY SCIENTOLOGY
Part 2: The Biggest Movie Star In The World!
Description: Certain statements stand out in this interview. “Why ask permission?” asks Cruise. “We are the authorities.” This attitude puts a certain perspective on Scientology activities. After 9/11 Scientology disrupted rescue efforts by barging across barricades meant to keep the public out of danger at Ground Zero.
In Beslan, authorities had to physically remove Scientology Volunteer Ministers that were harassing grief-stricken parents and teachers following a terrorist attack on a public school that left over 300 children dead.
After the shootings at Virginia Tech, set up their yellow tent in the center of the campus and began trying to recruit the vulnerable survivors of this tragedy.
There is a great deal of Scientology Hype surrounding 9/11. Tom Cruise and Scientology swiftly moved to take advantage of the tragedy, and there was a great deal of media coverage of his presence at the opening of the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Program. Unfortunately, the detox program introduced is scientifically unproven and a potentially dangerous process. This same program is used by Narconon — another Scientology front-group targeting drug addicts and their families.
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Part 3: Tom Cruise: Scientology’s Biggest Tool
Description: “For once,” says Cruise, “we have the whole track. We have the tools we can apply to ourselves and apply to others. You know the tech and you apply it correctly and it’s KSW.” This is an excellent example of Scientology’s internal jargon – words that make sense only to another Scientologist. “Whole Track” refers to your entire history; not only in this lifetime, but all your past lives. However, Scientologists are not allowed to discuss this in public. It would be very awkward if two Adolph Hitlers were to meet each other in this lifetime.
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Part 4: Tom Cruise on Psychiatry: “Go to guns!”
Description: Cruise reserves his most vituperative prose for the mental health industry, and psychiatry in particular. In this clip, his speech turns violent, with references like, “crush these guys,” and, “go to guns.” “Go to guns” is a fighter pilot term. Tom Cruise is not a fighter pilot, but he did play one in a movie.
EMBEDDED VIDEO #4: YANKED OFF A SERVER BY SCIENTOLOGY
Part 5: Tom Cruise: “I am a Scientologist”
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Part 6: Tom Cruise: In the Corridors of Power
Description: A star-studded Worldwide Mission: Impossible
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Part 7: Tom Cruise’s Mind on Tom Cruise: Scientologist
In this, the most mind-bendingly bizarre clip in the collection, you will notice the actor’s most maniacal grin, reserved for his anecdote about being asked, “Have you ever met an SP?” He bares his over-sized teeth and expresses a yearning for the day when SPs are extinct. “SP” stands for Suppressive Person, and, if you are reading this, Tom Cruise wants you dead.
EMBEDDED VIDEO #7: YANKED OFF A SERVER BY SCIENTOLOGY
Part 8: The NAMDLA (North American Man-Dwarf Love Association) Award
Description: A special kind of love, shared between an actor, a dwarf and one dead guy.
EMBEDDED VIDEO #8: YANKED OFF TO, THEN YANKED OFF A SERVER BY SCIENTOLOGY